It’s that wonderful time of the year, September sixth, World Beard Day! When the bearded march hand-in-hand.
And it’s worth mentioning that a love for books goes so well with a love for beards… (every time you read one, your beard gets slightly longer!)
If you are a beardless lady-writer &/or reader, today is the day to show solidarity with the bearded men in your life, like so!
Post your own pictures to your public space and link in the comments FOR GREAT LADY-BEARDED VICTORY! (men too: beard/fake-beard pics please. Some suggested bearding materials include cotton wool, your girlfriend’s hair, sharpie, and bees*)
If you are a male writer/reader, there are literally at-least four reasons to grow a beard today:
1. INCREASED MASCULOSITY
Prepare to approach every situation with utmost confidence. You are a bearded man!
2. INCREASED WORD COUNTS, WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNTS, MISCOUNTS, DISCOUNTS, AND COUNT DRACULAS
This point is pretty much self-explanatory. Your mileage may vary.
3. CONFLICT PREVENTION
Who wants to tangle with a bearded man? Marginally less people than otherwise! World Peace could be just a few shaveless weeks away…
4. IMPACT PROTECTION
FACT: beards lessen the impact of punches, punchlines, low flying geese, and LESSER-KNOWN-BUT-MORE-TRUE-FACT: the tickling tangle that is your significant-other’s hair whilst spooning.
Now I can see the gleam in your eyes, you’re dying to know: what does it take to reach these heady heights of beardedness? Well, let me tell you…
Conditioner goes in before you wash, and gets rinsed out at the end of your shower. This step takes the edge off those surprise belly raspberries that our loved-ones deserve from time to time.
Using the big teeth, comb down the face. This gets more water out, and makes the whiskers lay down, important for the next step.
With a 1cm setting, clipper DOWN the face, NOT LIFTING THE HAIRS. You’re only cutting the ones that weren’t willing to lay down at step two.
Tidy up your neck with a zero setting on the clippers, and the tops of your cheeks with a regular razor / trimmer
To give your pet beard a strong and shiny coat, feed it eggs, sausages, bacon, burgers, and all of the grease food group. It is testoster-known, that cholesterol and protein are the building blocks of epic facial hair. It is testoster-unknown, exactly how much this will reduce your life-expectancy…
And there you have it. You’re already on the way to bearded glory. If you need more beard inspiration, check out The Beards, a fantastic novelty band from Australia, whose songs include the classics “If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums” and “All the Bearded Ladies”. Their music would be brilliant even if they weren’t entirely beard related.
Well, that’s it for this (slightly silly) post. I’ve only got a few weeks left before I’m meant to have the novel re-write finished, so I’d best get back to that.
Remember to link to your own beard pics, and I hope you enjoy yourself this World Beard Day! Maybe read a good book (preferably a fantasy epic, with acceptable bearded characters such as dwarves and rohirrim).
*No responsibility taken by D.R.Sylvester for bee-stings acquired in the pursuit of hirsute face-fulls of bee.